The Ugly Side of Adoption

When I traveled to China in 2002 for Maggie I remember being worried that I wouldn't know how to take care of a baby. Could I really manage for two weeks until I got home? That was my biggest concern. It never really dawned on me that something might be terribly wrong with her, so much so that I would consider giving her back to the China's Center for Adoption Affairs, the government entity that processes all foreign adoptions of Chinese orphans. But that is exactly what happened to three different families over the past few weeks in China. All of these families felt that there were serious medical issues that they could not deal with and all except one family were given new healthy babies to adopt. I know that this has happened before but I think in relation to the number of adoptions that are completed without problems, the number is miniscule. But if you're the child that's rejected and left behind or you're the family having to hand back a child it doesn't matter what the success rate is, your heart has to be breaking. Very often this child is labeled by the orphanage as unadoptable and they won't be placed up for adoption again and with only about 1% of the children in Chinese orphanages even ever being adopted out, there are just way to many kids that are just languishing there without families.

I know that as a single mother with a close family member who is seriously handicapped, there are disabilities that I could not knowingly deal with. Of course, if Maggie or Ellie developed something or had an accident then I would have no choice, but to knowingly take on a seriously handicapped child, I would have to say no.

Perhaps because so many families have blogs now or their own yahoo groups set up so that family members and friends can follow their trip that these stories seem to be much more common now. The link to one heartbreaking story on a blog could literally be sent to thousands within an hour. What seemed particularly upsetting in one story is that the family just didn't seemed to be at all bothered by sending the baby back. They acted like it was no big deal...no worse than exchanging a pair of shoes for the correct size. It was all very odd.

I think what a lot of parents don't realize is that they are adopting a child from essentially a third world country. These kids are in orphanages that are stretched to their limit. On one of the agency groups that I belong to they are actively fundraising for air conditioners and a water tank for a specific orphanage in the southern part of China. This orphanage doesn't even have running water! These kids cannot begin to match the development standards of a child being raised in the West. Adoptive-parents-to-be need to read all they can on adoption, attachment disorders, cognitive and emotional delays. I bet these families would freak out if their newly adopted 5yo started wanted to be bottle fed and diapered like Ellie! I remember reading a disruption story where the family said they had gotten all of their adoption guidance from the Bible...ughhh. I can they can just blame God when it didn't work out.

Every day I thank God that I have the two kids that I do. Of course, I make sure I do this before they start fighting and I have to threaten to send them back to bed! :) But I can't forget the picture of the 5yo that was sent back to the orphanage. She was beautiful and just looked so happy to have a family. I just keep imagining me sending Ellie back. How could I turn around and just accept another child and forget her? How would I explain it to Maggie? Oh, BTW, if something goes wrong with you I'll send you back??? Too many sad questions.