Maggie's Nightmares

Maggie has been having a lot of nightmares lately. She has had them in the past and they have always kind of gone in spurts, but this last week had been a hard one for her. For one thing she has a head cold so that hasn't helped, but I think Ellie's arrival continues to stir a lot of buried emotions in her. When she woke up the other morning I asked if she remembered her dreams and she said that it was a scary one....she dreamed that I forgot to come and get her in China. That just took my breath away. I cannot imagine my life without her...I don't even think I had a life before Maggie! Just makes me wonder about some of the conversations that we will have as she (and Ellie) get older and they ask more and more about why they don't live in China anymore...how do you explain everything that happened to bring her to me?

In addition to the nightmares, she wants to hear her adoption story just about every night. She knows it by heart but never gets tired of me telling it. If I leave out any details like riding the bus or that she was sick when I got her she has to remind me and I have to start over again. It always starts the same way, "once upon a time there was a baby girl named Maggie who lived in China....." Saturday night I was exhausted and not feeling well. I had slept very little the night before and when I did sleep I dreamt very vivid dreams about my dad. He died 2.5yrs ago after a mercifully short but brutal battle with lung cancer. In my dreams I was a kid again living in the house on 51st street. It was a big house with a big kitchen that everyone congregated in. Over the years my dad built an addition, remodeled just about every room, did the landscaping, etc...being a contractor and an engineer he just loved a project and he always had one. Of course, us kids were always helping him too. I like to think of it as quality time with Dad, but I am sure he though about it as free labor! Anyway, in my dreams he was young and healthy, the house was full of kids and laughter, just like it was when I was growing up. Well, of course on top of being exhausted the next day I was very depressed all day. I got the girls to bed early but was very cranky with them and that made me feel even worse. I laid there in the bed crying for the longest time..missing him so much and just feeling sorry for myself basically. I was trying to be quiet, but pretty soon Maggie came over and wanted to know if she could get in bed with me, she wanted me to hold her. So she climbed in and as she snuggled next to me instead of asking me to tell her a story she asked me if she could tell me a story...she knew a story that would make me happy... it began.."once upon a time there was a baby girl name Maggie, who lived in China." If I wasn't crying before, I sure was then. Her grandfather (Panga as she called him) would be so proud of her. He just adored her.